Dear Psychotic Roommates:

Listen. I do not begrudge you guys the opportunity to be as absolutely weird as you want to be. Hell, I endore said weirdness. But not when it comes to me, Married Couple Who is Trying to Control My Life, you Fucking Strange Lunatics. The reasons why you've had a whopping four roomies, in less than a year before I even showed up, should have been a clue to me but, alas, I was desperate when I moved into this joint. Suckass, all around.

I mean this sincerely: you guys are Demanding Psychos. I'll stand by that statement. I'll cling to it in a court of law, if necessary.

So, in the future, here are a few things for you to consider. And I genuinely want you to consider them, because Male Roomie is not going to get a job anytime soon, Female Roomie. It's not up to me (or anyone else) to pick up his slack.

1. Normal female roommates do not regularly "compete" with each other. That I can't do anything, including laundry or cooking dinner or change the goddamned toilet paper, without Female Roomie's tacit approval first, is totally fucked up. I pay you rent so I can live here. In turn, you probably should let me live my life in the manner in which I choose. If I wanted to live with my parents again, I'd move back to frigid Wisconsin.

2. I don't care if you guys have a dom/sub relationship, just leave me the hell out of it - I don't want to know. I don't care. But I can tell you that I COMPLETELY do not want to be part of your bizarre arrangement, wherein I am only "allowed" to speak to Male Roomie, and Female Roomie has to approve everything we say, Or Else. Wtf.

3. I totally do not wish to sleep with your husband, Female Roommate. In fact, he's propositioned me more than once, and I have not only deferred to you, but told him that I am 100% uninterested. I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear, so let me spell it out for you: I think your husband is a pervy, harrassing jerk, and he pretty much looks like a mustached version of Jeffrey Dahmer. So there's no reason for you to be jealous of me, as I am not even remotely interested in stealing your "man". (I use the term loosely, since it's clear to me that Female Roomie wears the pants in that family.)

4. Undoing things that I do in this house, in both the kitchen and bathroom areas, is beyond annoying. No living adult roommate in America would put up with this crap, unless they were living somewhere free-of-charge. And since I'm not living here for free, I thought that you would possibly understand that I don't wish to be ordered around in my own home. Silly me.

5. I am paying you an exorbenant amount of dough to sleep in this shithole. The least you could do is treat me with moderate respect and common courtesy. I don't ask for a lot, but I do demand that. Talking to me about things that happen within the house, such as pesky stuff like, "Oh hey! I'm having 25 friends come over from work tonight!", would be, ya know, cool. I would appreciate that.

6. Telling me that this is solely YOUR home and and that YOU can do what you want here (my needs/wants be damned) does not really seem like the ultimate environment for a roommate situation. Call me crazy, but the fact that both of you even THINK this is proof positive that I am nothing but a Loser Magnet. I can apparently only attract worthless do-nothings who Judge and Compete and who are, like, Sub/Dom. Fuck you.

7. It's not necessary for you to treat me like I'm a small child. I have one of those and, sadly, she's WAY more emotionally intelligent than the two of you freaks put together. She doesn't know what's going on here, but she does know that you Weird Her Out on a level heretofore never achieved. Good job. Honestly, I'm really happy that you guys chose to never have kids. I shudder to think about that.

8. Assuming anything about your roomies, what they think, and how they live is probably the worst way to go. Feel free to talk to them, engage them, and perhaps get on their good sides. This helps an awful lot in the long run - trust me on this. Also, thinking that roommates can read your mind is usually not a good idea, as it creates a lot of chaos.

9. When I moved in and absolutely demanded that you sign a lease with me (to protect me from, ya know, YOU), and you poo-pooed me away, I was so suspicious of you bizarros that I stayed up the entire first night I was here and cried myself to sleep. I figured that Male Roomie had put some kind of Law & Order-type camera in my room. So, it would probably help if you just caved and signed a goddamned lease.

10. Lying to a potential roommate about what you can and cannot do (for example, storing excess crap in the garage, being "laid back", never kicking them out, etc.) is ill-advised. There is absolutely zero reason for you to misrepresent yourselves because, eventually, roommates will do strange things, like figure you freaks out for the freaks that you truly are.

11. If you assholes try to interfere with my moving out, I will (trust me here) press charges against Male Roomie for sexual harrassment. I have a feeling that I wouldn't be the first girl to do this.

12. Stop trolling me online. Only icky, weird, middle-aged, white, disgusting men do that. Oh, sorry, Male Roomie - that's pretty much you, huh?

13. Expecting me to be part of your "family" is ... not necessary. I'm good.

14. Kicking me out of this place a few days before Christmas is a blessing, I assure you. However, changing the date 3 times (only because I told you what dates would work better for me, and Female Roomie had to challenge them, since her penis is very small) is not really chill It's also not chill to not give a reason that you guys didn't manufacture out of freaking thin air.

15. Female Roomie has a masters in psychology? Really? REALLY?! Fuck. Then I recommend that you guys go on loads and loads of medication. Hell, I know a good doctor, peeps.

To date, moving in with you sociopaths has nothing but helped me define that Nice People are, seemingly, presently unavailable for consultation. Thanks bunches for my loss of faith in all of humanity, your huge posters of Obama be damned.

Yay. When the economy picks up again, I'll be golden. In the meantime, anybody know where the HELL I can move to? I mean, like, with a NORMAL roommate?